I find the weather app on my iPhone extremely frustrating. It will allow you to monitor the weather of precisely 20 locations in the world, and not a single location more. If you already have 20 locations and wish to add a 21st, perhaps Caracas, you will have to delete one of the existing locations, Ljubljana for example. The consequence is that if Ljubljana experiences an unseasonably mild spell you will never know about it.

This is frustrating because I can download an entire Iron Man movie in HD, which requires more storage space than Olly Murrs’ Christmas jumper collection, but I can only store 20 locations for weather, which takes up exactly no storage space at all. I’m sure that there are third party apps which will allow unlimited access to the planet’s climactic conditions, but will probably also force me to ‘power-up’ or remind me to download Clash of Clans every six seconds.

Of course, many people don’t really want or need to keep tabs on 20+ locations weather, but conversely I am a precious and unique and should be catered to regardless. Weather is my Iron Man.

Another frustrating element of the iOS operating system is the mail app. Again, it limits the amount of mail storage on your phone to three or four emails, so if you’re on the tube and suddenly need to retrieve an important message regarding something important you’re completely screwed. And that’s all so you have plenty of space to store your slurry in Farmville. Added to that, the mail app is even more addicted to losing or damaging your mail than a real life postman, and if you wish to file it away for future reference without deleting it permanently, or even simply reply you’re out of luck because every menu command will send it to Apple’s virtual shredder. All this is because Apple’s mail app was last updated in 1967, before email had been invented.

A good place to formulate your list of smartphone software gripes is Barrio Brixton, one of a chain of Brazilian themed bars which may as well have been designed for the iPhone generation. Here you can give your phone the undivided attention that it craves without any guilt whatsoever, as everyone is doing exactly the same thing. Check the weather in Lesotho, make email contact with your illegitimate children, caress the touchscreen like Hulk Hogan caressed Bubba the Love Sponge Clem’s wife – its all good. Fortunately Barrio is infinitely Instagrammable, so you can prove you were there, sipping a cocktail in a dismembered rustic caravan with just a click of a button. In fact, Barrio looks better on Instagram than in real life; a perfect world of unlimited weather locations and happy happy email.