There aren’t many business establishments who proudly display all the people that they’ve killed. I have never been to a Swiss euthanasia clinic but my guess is the reception is not adorned with framed photographs of terminally ill middle aged men from Hampshire. Likewise, you do not go into a travel agent to find photos of toddlers dismembered by sharks.

This rule, like many other rules, is not followed by Irish pubs. In general, the more photographs of dead patrons adorning the walls the better. Extra points are earned for crude sketches, often incorporating meaningful aspects of the victim’s life, in the manner of a renaissance portrait. Assorted grandchildren may lurk eerily in the background, for example, or a copy of the Racing Post will sit narratively on a foreground bar table. They are fitting tributes to great men.

Happily, the Green Gate in Wood Green scores highly in this respect. Aside from a few flags celebrating the illustrious football management career of Brendan Rodgers, the harshly lit white walls are spartan, so it’s rather fortunate that this pub has claimed so many victims. Faded, hand drawn tributes to the dearly departed provide a focal point, judging you silently as you stab at long forgotten indie classics on the jukebox, casting scathing glances at your amateurish horse racing selections.

Yes, the Green Gate is a godsend for anyone who not only wishes to be displayed publicly on a wall but also wishes to be dead. And thankfully if the drink doesn’t kill you one of the locals will. Take Jeff for example, who is like a terminator sent straight from Wickes. It is clear his mission is not to sell you building supplies, but instead to end your life in the most painful way possible whilst yelling something incomprehensible about Tottenham Hotspur.

So if you don’t manage to find everlasting peace in this, the Swiss Euthanasia clinic of North London pubs, then perhaps it simply isn’t your time. Instead, enjoy the cheap drinks prices and liberal approach to the smoking ban, safe in the knowledge that there’s a little space on the wall reserved just for you.

 

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